October 14th, 2006

MMmmm Black and White, omgyum

Filtered to David, Aly, Deirdre, Pierre, Renee, Slink, Kait, Liz, Nancy

October 14th, 2006

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately, as I am sure I should be. Fear controls us in such incredible ways and not always for the best. Recently I had myself convinced that the best thing to do for the people I loved was to seperate myself from them. It stemmed from my fear for them, which is not unfounded, just misplaced. It was not me that made them targets or endangered them. It is just how it is and I can do far more good with them than without them.

My fear of being alone led me to do things as well. Terrible things. Things I still shudder to think about, and I can't quite believe that it was me that did them. It was if I was watching and not acting. It all came from fear and lonliness.

But fear is not always bad. Fear can lead to good things. I feared my terrible experiences would happen again, and I sought to deal with such problems. I, with the help of my dear friend David, went to a place I've been avoiding for over a decade. I made my peace with someone that has defined my life in so many ways, and most of them are not pleasent ways. I went to Thomas's grave and I saw it with my own eyes. I went back to Downside Abbey and I was able to say that Thomas's death, though they made me accept responsibility so many years ago, was not my fault. I faced Grahame, and I saw Stuart again. I faced my fear and only Grahame came out of it a coward.

A wise man once said that all we have to fear is fear itself. I don't believe this to be true. There is much to fear in this world and I myself have seen more of it than I would like to have seen. It's smart to fear. What we have to be afraid of is letting that fear control us. Letting it separate us from what is important and what is good. That which makes us strong.

I am not going to let it control me anymore.