December 20th, 2006

To Cry, Grief


I fucked up. I let a demon get to me. I knew what she was doing, and I let her get to me anyway. She taunted me by threatening my girls. She knew I'd get angry. She knew it and now I have a lovely headwound to prove she got her way. Not that she could lay a finger on me. No no, all she had to do was suck the sould right out of me and make me hit my stupid head on the very window that was supposed to separate her from me, making it 'safe'. But it's never 'safe' around a demon like her, is it? Even if she IS in a maximum security wing.

Is it being happy that's made me weak like this? This never would have happened before. When I was a priest, her words would have had no effect. I didn't have anything to pick at. Nothing for them to use, except a daughter I never saw. Now I have a family and they're going to use it against me whenever possible. If I really want to do this, I'm going to have to be more like the person I was then, but I hated that person. He was unhappy and slightly grumpy, but he got things done. Was he a stronger person? In a year, I've gone from a highly respected member of the clergy who has the power to get things a man who spends most of the time getting ribbons put in his har because it makes his daughters happy. And I would never trade one for the other, but maybe there's a lesson in this? Maybe I can't be both?

Or perhaps I can, but I'm going to have to try a hell of a lot harder than I currently am. I suppose the best thing to do is talk to Mia. I can learn about Caoilfhionn through her. I can return to Belfast again soon and try again. And keep trying. If I give up, I've learned nothing.

I'm going to dream that they're burning tonight. Perhaps it's better if I just don't sleep.
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