February 16th, 2007

Meh, Just Bleh

To those in the know

I have to be honest and show weakness because I feel like all my strength is gone. I'm sorry if it's too honest. But if I keep it to myself, things will be worse.

I feel rather strange. I'm attached to this computer like it's a lifeline because it reminds me that what happened in that bunker is over. It would be too easy to fall in to memories without it. We were locked in the same room for a week and a half and now, even though we're safe and recovering, we're still confined to one room. Part of me hates that and I want to go home right now so I don't have to see the same walls every damn day, and the other part finds it...oddly comforting. Because I don't have to go home and relearn how to exsist there. I don't remember how I'm supposed to do that. That was taken from me. And I suppose it will come back naturally, but I'm terrified of it. I don't remember how to be normal. I suppose I'm glad people keep bringing me food because I don't remember that when you're hungry you can just eat something. The thought doesn't occur. And how am I supposed to handle going places? Shopping? The movies? That reality didn't exsist in there. Should I just...go along and see what happens?! Social interations are not easy when you're afraid of...well..pretty much everyone.

I'm also terrified that they'll release me before they release David because I don't want him to be here alone. If I'm feeling all of this...messed up stuff, he must be too. And I know if he weren't here I'd be....much worse. Which is true of all of it, though I rather DO wish he hadn't been there in the bunker with me for his sake. As it is when there's nothing to read, we look up stupid stuff on Google and then giggle about it. Because we're mature men who can't face reality just yet. And maybe we're not supposed to know how. Maybe it's not supposed to come naturally. Maybe that's what Google image search is for. So you can find things like this and not everything is terror and chaos. At least for a little while.
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