February 19th, 2007

Looking Down

Friends Only

I'm at home now and David is here with me because Christina doesn't get finished with work until later. Did anyone ever notice my house is huge? It's huge. Huge and intimidating and there's stairs everywhere and all doors and windows and big big dalmations that attack me with their huge wiggling bodies. That's not what I needed right now. I think he made my broken wrist, to quote Caleb, 'more brokener' when it hit the wall as I fell to the ground.

It's good to be home though. I'm being a naughty boy and sitting on the sofa because I'm sick of lying in a bed. I know. I'm a rebel. Liz keeps fluttering around like a great blonde butterfly, asking me if I want to do things, or if I need things. And I'm being remarkably difficult. At least I'm aware of that! What I want to do is sit right here on the sofa and forget the last two weeks ever happened.

What are the chances of that, do you suppose?
  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical
Grief, To Cry

Private then filtered to David

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or what I shouldn't be doing. Does any of it even matter anymore?

I know I won't always feel like this, but I want it to stop now. Now. I can't stand the fear. I hate feeling weak.

I miss having faith. I know that I know the truth now, and it's better this way. I love my family and I love my friends and I love my wife. But there's nothing to explain away the bad things. Nothing to explain why bad things happen. No one is working in mysterious ways. Shit is just shit. And I hate that. I hate that there's no reason for it. That girl that got taken didn't get taken so she would know that God loves her even in terrible situations. It just happened. Melissa wasn't taken from Deirdre to show the true meaning of friendship. No. An 18 year old girl's life was just ended. For nothing.

I know it's a lie, but sometimes I want that blind faith back more than I could ever say.

EDIT: Just so you know, David, that 'dirty talk' stuff was a joke....
  • Current Mood
    drained drained