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That somehow this black night feels warmer for the spark -- Day [entries|friends|calendar]
Father Peter Kemp

[ website | The Chronicles ]
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Friends Only [03 Mar 2007|12:29am]
[ mood | sore ]


I'm like a cyborg.

29 Confessions | Confess to Me

To Those in the Know [03 Mar 2007|09:16pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I hate that I still feel this way. And that nothing can fix it but time. It's frustrating, suffering through emotional hell because it's better to feel it than to hide it away. I know I'm doing the smart thing. But at the same time it feels really fucking dumb.

I decided that instead of being self-centered, I could start working again. I rang the hospital in Belfast where Caoilfhionn is. I spoke with her doctor. I might make another trip down there sometime. Though not until I'm all healed. Then I rang the hospital in Munich where Katia Bauer lived. Notice the past tense. She's not there anymore. Released. Apparently she exhibited her 'manic like behaviour' for a few months and then everything stopped. She worked through her issues with a psychiatrist and they released her last year. I was very pleased to hear that. Of course, now I have to do a search to find her, but I'm actually glad for that.

I hope you're all well.

49 Confessions | Confess to Me

Filtered to Aly [03 Mar 2007|10:58pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

You're asleep now, my gorgeous Aly. And I wanted to say this to you, but you looked so tired and you need your sleep. So I'll say it here before I forget what my thoughts were. It's easier to type than to write. It hurts too much to hold the journal still.

I love you. More than anything. And the fact that you're hurting hurts me too. I'm sorry for my part in that, however forced I was to do what I did. That doesn't mean I don't feel sorrow for it. I know you're trying to let me get over it, but you see, I can't. Not by myself. I don't want to be the kind of man who lets his wife cover up pain just so he can get past his own. That wouldn't be fair of me, Aly. I don't want to ignore what you're feeling for the sake of myself. I've never been someone who could do that.

I know there's other things going on. You're worried about David, and concerned for dear Caleb. I know you feel sick. And I know that instead of talking to me about it, you're keeping it inside because you don't want to add your worries to mine. But Aly, that is what I am here for. To help you. I want to be by your side. None of these are things you should have to suffer through alone. You're a strong woman and I know that you have gotten through a great deal by yourself. But you don't have to anymore. I know I seem weak and unwell right now. But that's only on the outside. The inside, while pained, is still the same. I love you as much as I ever did, if not more because I know how terrible it is to be kept from you. I never want to go through that again. It was the worst thing about being in that shelter. I couldn't see you or hear you or touch you or talk to you and I felt so alone. So hollow. And I was afraid for your safety and I couldn't ring you to see if everything was alright. You've collapsed in my arms twice now. And I couldn't help but think what might happen if those arms weren't there. What could happen. I want to be there for you.

And right now I can look over and I see you sleeping there. I hear you breathing and it gives me such incredible peace. You're the woman I love, Aly. Only you. And I can't be kept away from you anymore. I can't be held at arm's length for my own good. I've had that before. I can't go through it again. Only this time, I know I have to be the one to break the walls down. So here I am. Asking to be beside you again, if you'll let me.

5 Confessions | Confess to Me

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