|To Those in the Know
||[18 Oct 2007|06:23pm]
Been thinking about fear a lot lately. I know it's something I've talked about before, but it plays such a large role in people's lives. Everyone has to grapple with fear in one form or another. And, as I've stated before, it's not always bad. Sometimes, however, it is extremely exasperating. I've been afraid a lot lately, and to my credit (and we all know how often I give myself that) I haven't been so obvious about it. This is also to my detriment, because if my loved ones don't know how I am feeling, they can't help me through it. It's just that I've caused you all so much worry already, I've felt it was better to remain silent. Of course, that's probably silliness on my part, but there it is. I'm afraid. Almost every minute of every day. I remember what it was like to be like that...not knowing who I was or where I was. Lying there without a clue. It terrifies me. We know now, that being immortal doesn't mean being free from sickness or pain. I am terrified that it could happen again. And I have renewed worry for my children. I think only Thomas is fully aware of how scared I am, and that is because me trying to hide something from Thomas is as useless as trying to walk on water.
Fear is keeping me from things. I've hidden myself in being 'Family Guy' which is easy because I love my family so very much. But that is just one aspect of me. And I've tried to ignore the rest of who I am before. It didn't end well. I've been staying away from work and the hospital..even shying away from most conversations having to do with the supernatural. I apologise. I won't hide myself from what I do any longer.
Some people use fear to harm. The Templars want to use it to usher in the new Age of the Church (Over my dead Antichristacular Body). Some demons use it to bring pain. Hell, some angels do too. But what I see in people who stare into the face of their own fear and stand up to it...that inspires me. Adrian sharing a terrible experience he had with his fans to help people who had suffered the same thing. Deirdre taking people in to her home to give them a safe place, and being someone people know they can count on. My darling Lydia holding her little brother's hand when they go up the stairs at night because Caleb is afraid of the stairway in the dark.
I see things like that and I am encouraged. And reminded of why I can't let my own fears conquer me. I will not let my fears keep me from who I am. I went to the hospital today and I spoke with Razvan. He did make fun of my wheelchair, but I called his hat 'poncey' so we're even. And then we had an actual discussion and I believe we are helping him a great deal. I'm working on my PhD again. I'm helping people. I need to help people. And...I had another one of those...vision things. About a demon named Naja. I believe she'll be in a position to be helped soon. Hopefully I will be in a standing position by then...
Oh...and I had a drink of tea today. God, it was good. And then I squealed like a girl because there was a speck on the rim of the mug. I think it's safe to say that I really am me, after all.