November 22nd, 2007


Filtered to Alexei, Scarlett, Nancy, Renee

I've been thinking about writing this for some time. Mostly because it's been on my mind a lot lately. And I'm filtering the post to you four, because I feel like you're the most likely people to understand. I think even Thomas wouldn't understand quite how I feel about this topic...though he can see this anyway because he can see anything I write. And that's just fine with me.

It's about faith. Not religion. But belief. I lost my faith when I saw Thomas killed. I remember when Svetlana threw me against that wall, I prayed. I prayed so hard that God would spare Thomas's life. And then I had to watch as she took it from him anyway. And she ran and I crawled to his body, still praying. But he was gone and I remember thinking that God couldn't exist because Thomas had been doing (what I believed at the time to be) God's work. And he'd been killed while doing it. And then, as I learned more and more about the Supernatural world, I believed more and more that God had nothing to do with it. And I'd been right in losing my faith. And finding alcohol for whatever reason...

I think Lydia...seeing her eyes for the first time...and holding her...that was the only thing that sparked faith in me in all those years. She had God in her eyes. Which is creepy if you think about it don't.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, Thomas had been taken captive by Amaris. He managed to ring my house to warn us, just as Amaris showed up. With Christina in her arms. And I did something I hadn't done in 14 years. I prayed. I prayed for the life of my best friend and brother-in-law. I prayed for Christina and little William. And they lived. My prayers were answered. And I started to realise that just because I know a lot about the world, it hardly means I know everything. I don't. I never will, even if I'm here for the rest of eternity. God could exist. And while the archetypal ideas of demons and angels are fallacious, which probably means that man's idea of God is too, that doesn't mean that there isn't a God or a Goddess or a creator or many or..what have you.

I think I'm starting to believe again. Maybe a little. That there could be something up there. A higher power. And it scares me, because when I lost my faith, I fell hard. But I was alone, too. I'd lost every person I'd ever loved except Liz. I am not alone anymore. I never will be. I know that without a doubt. I don't fear that. I know from experience that I won't be allowed to fall. I have so many people to catch me. But it's still scary. In a really nice way. And no, I don't have any intention of following the Catholic Church again, because I believed THAT was bogus when I went back to be a priest. It's not about religion. Just faith. I think I found it again. And I don't quite know how other people are going to take that...
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