November 4th, 2009


To Those in the Know

I've been avoiding this because it seems so trivial somehow. And writing here means I'll have to get introspective and that's more than a little scary. But my best friend is gone again, and without him to know how I'm feeling without ever having to means I'll have to start speaking up.

I just spent three weeks being told and treated like I was the most despicable and disgusting thing on this Earth. Nothing I said mattered, even though it was all true. Dragonetti was there, which means he did fake his death. I'd know his voice anywhere. And he took his hood off a few times because apparently you can't spit at people through those things. They put me in a cell that was so far below the ground, I couldn't hear anything. No noise. The air was stale and damp and so cold. There was no light, and Dragonetti said he wouldn't waste food on me. He told me to ask my 'father' for help. Since my father is dead and not Satan, that would be pretty ineffectual. And when I was too weak from lack of food to answer his questions, he said it was a 'trick'. I was trying to trick him with my physical need. I would have gone mad there, I think. They interrogated me once, asking where Aly was. But it seemed half-hearted, if one could say such a thing. Mostly, I was just locked in the room, and then chained to a wall so I couldn't get anywhere near the locked door. It was dark and silent and cold and horrible.

If it hadn't been for Daniel, I don't know what I would have done. Daniel was the guardian of that place they had me in. He's my cousin. Johan's brother. He says the Templar took him from his 'business' years ago and tried to purify him. He ran to Saul afterwards and joined them. Saul told him to join the Templar, and the Templar shoved him in that hole, but not as a prisoner. The guard has to stay underground and he'd been there for five years, unable to leave. He helped me. He knew who I was, but never said. I think in case I sang like a stool pigeon when things got rough. But he was the only one who brought me food. And cigarettes, shhh. He's staying at the hospital for a while. He doesn't really feel like seeing people, and that's fair. He's not used to them. But I owe him a great deal of gratitude.

Mostly, I don't know how I feel. Strange. My wife came to rescue me and she couldn't have been more beautiful. I'm safe now. I'm a hell of a lot thinner, I have a few lovely new scars, and I'm showering 4 times a day because I feel disgusting, but safe. Dragonetti demonstrated his inability to kill me in front of whomever took over for Coronati, though. They all believe him now. I think having me lit some sort of fire under them. I've been having visions (which are also 'devil's trickery' if you weren't aware) of angels and demons being strung up like poor Rosa. Nothing definitive yet, though the second there is we'll need to help those poor people. I only hope the Templar don't do anything like they did to London a few years back. I hope, if we can take their 'symbols' from them again, it will stop this. I believe we can.

I still feel like a worthless piece of shit. I don't know how to make that go away.
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