Using this for as a replacement for my diaries feels very strange. With the incredible response I got yesterday, I feel as if everyone will be able to read what I write. And then I remember that I've let most of them read my innermost thoughts anyway so they could understand more about the world they live in. Still, writing about the truth of things on a place that's so accessible feels so utterly wrong. Notice I'm doing it anyway. That's me. Always the rebel.
Writing about myself is another matter. I'm starting to think that my recent trauma may have damaged me more than I was first aware. I'm having nightmares again, though they're different than the dreaming of Thomas's death I did for 12 years. It's not just an exact account of what happened to be dreamed over and over again. It's like they're taunting me. Odd that the German word for dream is Traum. Traum, trauma. All I know is that in my dreams, I feel the same helplessness and terror I felt when my loved ones left me in that place because they didn't believe I was right. They didn't want to believe Svetlana was alive. It was easier to decide I was mentally unstable than to believe that a psychotic woman was hunting me and everything I love down. I suppose I can see the logic, but they played right into her hands. All I could do was wait for her to come back and do terrible things to me, which she did. Now my subconscious has taken over for her and it doesn't end. She returns almost every night. Last night I dreamed that she had cut off Aly's head and burned it. Then she brought it to me. I have no doubt that she would have done that in reality if she could have. Deirdre and David stood at the foot of my bed and they couldn't see her. They didn't help me when I asked.
I'm afraid I'll take the dreams out on them. I'll start feeling like they're real and Deirdre and David are leaving me there to experience Svetlana's sadistic tortures. I don't want Svetlana to take more people I love away. She took Thomas. She won't get them too. I just have to remind myself that it's over every time I see them. They didn't betray me, they just didn't understand. I don't want them to suffer for it as well. They're good people who don't deserve it. The answer here is that I clearly need a new subconcious. Oh yes. That is possible.
Thank everything for Aly. If she weren't there everytime I woke up from one of the dreams, I don't know what I'd do. She's amazing. She's been through so much recently. Her boyfriend was hit by a car while on his motorcycle and spends a week in a coma. A week in which she went through tremendous agony as my comatose state reminded her of what she went through with her late husband William. Her friend's then boyfriend propositioned her. I woke up and days later I was transferred to a psych ward, and then the woman she thought was her new best friend turned out to be Svetlana and she burned Aly's house down and everything that reminded Aly of William went along with it. And Aly is still able to smile, still able to laugh. Still able to tell me everything will be alright. I do love that woman. Svetlana won't get her. She won't.
I am so looking forward to going to the beach. I don't even care that I won't be able to go on the beach with my stupid wheelchair. I'll get marooned in the sand if I do. I just want to spend a few days someplace without the mindnumbing fear that she's out there looking for me always at the back of my mind. If we can disappear for a while, she won't find us. Maybe if we disappear for long enough, she'll give up.
I can always hope.