I dreamt of the Redhead again last night. But this time she finally spoke to me. She told me her name was Deirdre. She always appears in my dreams in profile. She never faces me directly, and I find that I cannot approach her. It's as if she's ashamed of something. Perhaps she fears herself. She reminds me of a case I saw in Munich only 5 years ago. A university student that did terrible things to her mother and step-father. She said it was as if she had no control over her body. She finally killed them both on a winter day, and then fixed herself some coffee, and left for class. I can't let that happen to Deirdre if I can help it. Something about these repeated dreams leads me to believe she'll seek me out and I won't have to search for her. That is a change I am not accustomed to.
January 31st, 2006
Deirdre appeared in my dreams again last night. I am shocked and confused at her persistence. Still she appeared in profile. But her eyes were different. It was as if she had stained the irises pitch black. She was crying. She did something tonight. Something terrible.
February 1st, 2006
Last night, Deirdre was there. But facing away from me. I believe I may be losing whatever connection to her that I have. I drew a picture of her and I shall try to meditate on it, but I am not sure that anything of this nature will do any good. I will fast, in the hopes that dreams will find me if my head is clear if distractions.
February 5th, 2006
Last night, Deirdre stood facing me. She's coming today.
February 19, 2006
Last night, my dreams found me in a large house. It was nicely decorated, if not slightly mundane. I remember there was a library. Deirdre cowered behind a chair. She was terrified. I have to convince her to trust herself. Fear is the biggest reason to turn to something dark inside you. Something you know is wrong, but it can save you, so how can it be that bad? If I lose this one...
There was someone standing in the corner, though I couldn't see them clearly. They had wings. I don't know if they were there to help or to watch. I hope more will become clear as the nights wear on.
February 20th, 2006
My dreams were confusing last night. More confusing is the fact that I am having them more regularly. Night after night I dream about Deirdre. Last night, however, she was standing in the same library. She was no longer hiding. On one side of her was an incredible dark shape, like a inkblot on reality. On the other side was the person with wings I described previously. I still did not see any other distinguishing features. And I have no idea what the dark force was. It could be a person. It could be her father. It could be her. It makes it harder when I am not in the same place as the person in question. Though to ask for permission to go to her would feel wrong, considering I have other reasons for wanting to go to London. Though if the need arises and I feel it is important, I will make the trip. It will be granted if it is not for personal reasons.
February 26th, 2006
My dreams were not so much dreams as they were experiences. This morning, I was no longer an observer in Deirdre's house. It felt like I was physically there. I saw her again. She was no longer hiding, which means my words must have helped her. However, the dark presence on the left side of her was stronger. Almost palpable, yet sad. I don't believe it's her father. He wouldn't feel remorse. I don't know who it is, but I get the feeling that whomever it is wants salvation.
On her right side, was the person with wings. I still couldn't make them out clearly, but they were crying. It was almost as if his heart was torn in two. He was beautiful. I had originally thought that this might represent someone who could help Deirdre, but now I am not so sure. Maybe it will be mutual? All around the edges were people. Some sad, some happy. I felt confused and trapped. Could that be how Deirdre feels?
And then, quite understandably, I woke up. I am taking the train to London tomorrow. When I get there, I will visit Deirdre.
March 15th, 2006
Last night, my reccuring dream was frighteningly different. It always takes place in Deirdre's library. But this time, the former dark force that is ever present beside her was smaller. It appeared less dark. It still gave off a feeling of deep despair, but there was no evil attached. The most disturbing thing, however, was Deirdre. She was engulfed in flames, but she didn't seem afraid. In fact, she seemed to enjoy it. I need to speak with her very soon.
April 3rd, 2006
I have not been subjected to my repeated dreaming of Thomas' death lately. And while I am glad for the reprieve, I wonder what it means. I have dreamt of that day at least 3 times a week since it happened. It is my penance. If it is gone, what then is to be my penance from here on?
I dreamed of Deirdre and her wonderful friends as well. I hope that the presence of these people in Deirdre's life will make her different from the others. And maybe then, she can help others like herself. She has an eternity to do with what she chooses. She could actually accomplish what I've been striving for, even though I continually fall short. Where I have failed, she could succeed. I am, however, slightly worried about the end of the dream. Deirdre was calmly sitting on a sofa and her eyes went black. I awoke before anything of consequence could explain it. I do not feel that this means Deirdre is going to slip. I think it has other connotations. Perhaps others will falter. Perhaps it will even be me.
I fear that in this environment, now that I am home and happy, I am going soft. I know that my place is here, and I am needed. But am I really going to accomplish anything by having family dinners and sitting in the garden sunlight? Perhaps nothing is mine to accomplish anymore. Perhaps I have done what I needed to do, and I am no longer required. I always thought I knew my place in life. I never faltered. I gave up everything for it because I believed it to be right. Now, in taking those things back, am I then giving up my purpose? Or is my purpose now here? I would ask for a sign, but that would be pointless. I know that I will not recieve one from something that does not exsist. I suppose the only way to be sure, is when I go to Melk. I will return, I have no doubt of that. I have made promises, and I don't break them. I will return to London after I go to Melk. Once I am in London, however, I am not sure what course of action I will take. Should I be more committed to a church I do not believe in? Should I stay to help those in need? Should I be more committed to a family that wants me? Could I successfully juggle all three?
I believe I already have my answer. I just hope that, in so doing, I do not fail anyone. This I could not bear.